A lot has happened in the past twelve months. I’ve been open about most of it – new love, polyamory, kink, my desperate attempts to finish my manuscript, and I finally gave myself permission to write a piece I’d been holding onto for at least a decade and a half.
But I’ve been pretty quiet when it comes to my sexuality. I’d always been interested in women, but I thought that being bi meant you had to like men and women equally. It wasn’t until early this year that I realised this was a crock of shit. And it was with this realisation that I came out to myself as bi.
I’m not a huge fan of the phrase “coming out”, but I think it’s relatively applicable in this instance. I absorbed and internalised a lot of latent homophobia as a kid, and I’m pretty sure my parents would be more disappointed/angry/confused about my bisexuality than the fact I’m practising non-monogamy.
When I first started having sex, I’d often be hit with a knot of what I can only describe as emotional pain in my lower stomach. It took me a while to realise this was probably a physical manifestation of the guilt I felt by “betraying” my parents. It took years for the knot to go away, but it still pops up every so often – and I just have to lie there and wait for it to go away.
Ever since I started (trying to) date women, this feeling has bubbled back up to the fore. I enjoy myself, but then I feel guilty for enjoying myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating, and no amount of air will allow me to breathe properly. I know it might seem ludicrous for me, a 25 year old adult, to have such a reaction because of her parents, but I don’t think I’ll be really able to rid myself of my filial obligations.
I’m exceedingly grateful to have a supportive partner and a great bunch of friends who are willing to listen to me ramble about my problem of the day. Admitting to myself that I’m bi has come with its positives – firstly, women are great and so much better than men, but I’ve also become more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve recently fallen in love with tattoos. I’ve gotten some done already, and I’m getting bigger pieces done in the next couple of months. I’m getting better at being unapologetic about who I am and what I stand for.
I’m still getting used to this new version of me. It’s weird and a little bumpy and I don’t know what’s ahead, but I’m keen to see what will happen next.
Happy bi visibility day, my loves! x