None of this occurred to me on Tuesday, even when I was in the midst of trying to figure out how I could get my two faculties to transfer my credits so I could graduate. Blame probably lay solely with the fact that I had also written non stop for two hours in my English exam, and so any remaining coherent thoughts after that were pretty much mush. But when I managed to get some time to myself to just sit and think, it all kind of fell on me at once.
I wouldn’t be going back to university at the end of next February. Granted, the plan is to go back in July, but it will be the first time in 17 years that I’ve not stepped foot in some kind of educational institution at the beginning of the year. Add to that the fact that one of my jobs won’t be resuming next year and I’m in a little bit of a pickle. Mind-wise, at least.
Cue me freaking out a little bit and thinking the world is going to collapse around me, and needing a good old dose of Rushdie and some djinni to calm me down. It’s scary that everything from now on will be new. New relationships, new people. Maybe (hopefully?) even new countries. It’s still mind-boggling to me that I will soon be in possession of two degrees. For some reason, I feel like it’s somehow too much responsibility. That I’ve not done enough to really deserve it.
At the same time, I know I do. There have been tough times, times where I just wanted to give up. The dashing of an almost twelve year dream is not easy for someone who hates change. But now I’ve found what I want to do for the rest of my life, and there’s a certainty there that I don’t think is ever going to change. In the same way, that’s exciting, but also oh-so-terrifying.
This has been a year of change for me. I would have never envisioned it unfolding this way, and if you told me this was what was going to happen at the beginning of the year I think I would have tried to run away as fast as possible. But now, here I am – more content than I’ve ever been in my entire life, after going through an event that I thought I wouldn’t ever recover from emotionally. It’s been a year of ups and downs, and even though it is frightening, I am glad that I’m ending the year in a graduation gown and two pieces of paper that tell the world that I’m officially qualified to maybe talk about science and literature with some form of authority.
I know I’ve still got a long way to go. I’ve got Honours, maybe a Masters, and then definitely a PhD waiting for me somewhere along the line. I have a whole lot of life to live, a whole lot of people I have yet to meet and be inspired by and maybe even inspire myself. I’ve learned that it’s all right to have a plan, but it’s also all right if that plan kind of goes askew, because it might end up for the best.
I guess what I’m trying to say is – change is scary, but it’s also good too. It’s what makes us better people, for ourselves, and also for the people around us, the people we love. And God knows I need a break, so for now, I will kick back, read another book or two, write some more semi-nonsensical blog posts, sell a couple of Mimco bags, and see what the next eight months has in store for me.